Time heals all wounds, right?

This is something so personal that I have not shared it with many people. It has been such an emotional time in my life that I have finally found the courage to talk about it in hopes of healing myself a little bit more.

August 15th 2009 was the day I was expecting Aunt Flo and she decided to not pay me a visit. I'm not naive what-so-ever so of course I assumed I was pregnant. Off I went to the store and picked up a PG test,  came home and could NOT wait for the a.m. so to the bathroom I went. A few minutes later I walked out with a smile on my face and showed Logan the test results (thank goodness for the tests that say pregnant/not pregnant) and I recieved a HUGE smile in return. We were EXPECTING!!!

First ::honest:: thoughts;
1. OMG!
2. How will Brennen and Connor take this?
3. My school?!?!
4. Can we really handle this?
5. Of course we can =)

Next thing you know  I was at Womack getting my blood drawn to confirm, results were positive. Made a doc appt. to OB intake and there we were, doing the baby thing again, it was so surreal to be honest I just never thought I would be so lucky to be blessed with another child.

The first week of September...I woke up to some spotting and FREAKED out because I have never experienced this with either of my boys. Went to the doctors and she did an exam and said my cervix was nice and closed, had an US and baby was there in the sac with a heartbeat. ::weird:: I was fine or so I thought until my 12 week appointment took place September 29th...That is the day my life flipped upside down. Went in, had the normal vitals done, lost 2 lbs (which is normal) and sat in the room waiting to meet my new OB. About 15 minutes later she comes in and first question she asked was, "how are you?" I instantly told her my concerns and that I had this weird feeling something wasn't right. She checked my cervix and said,"No, your uterus is a good 11 to 12 week size, you're fine but lets go ahead and listen for the heartbeat." Put the doppler to my tummy and roamed around for about 2 minutes which seemed like forever when trying to find something that shoud'nt be a problem. NOTHING. Then she continues to tell me that the baby may be too small to hear the HB so she went ahead and grabbed the US machine. Right away she found the baby and I could see it too, I could also see no movement or heartbeat, and right then my heart sank. She kept at it for another minute or so and then looks up at me and says,"I am going to go get another doctor to CONFIRM, but I don't see a heartbeat Mrs. Bixler." Shock had set in and I felt nothing. Logan took my hand and said nothing.This is a moment I never thought I would experience and there we were, waiting in a cold, white room...waiting for another doc to confirm MY miscarriage.

Dr. Parente walks in, a gentle looking gal, smiles at me with hesitation and takes the US to my uterus, she says to the other doc, "Go ahead and write IUED (IntraUteran Embryonic Demise) in her file". I knew exactly what that meant and still I felt nothing. Was this denial? After I sat up and silence had swept the room, she told me the baby only measured 7 weeks 4 days which meant that it had died 4 weeks ago. 4 weeks ago??? As in the beginning of September when I had the spotting incident? Exactly!

I had three options the first being the natural abortion as they call it where the baby miscarries on its own and I'm no longer pregnant. Well der, that obviously hadn't happened yet and it had already been 4 weeks, no longer an option. The second, they place cervidil in my cervix and I contract as if I were in labor then wait...WAIT? You mean I have to wait for up to 2 weeks to "deliver" my baby? That no longer became an option either. So, the last option I had was for a D & C (Dilation and Curettage) which is a surgical procedure that's done to remove baby, I'm knocked out and it's done, wake up and move on. Is it really that simple?

So, I made my appointment for the very next day to have this surgery done and there I was, September 30th 2009, in pre-op getting blood work done, waiting for my name to be called into the O.R. This, THIS was surreal, sitting in a bed getting my I.V. put in, being asked 50 questions...The nurse offered her condolences and then asked if we were going to try for another. ARE YOU SERIOUS? Geez, that's not ANYTHING I could answer right away. About 20 minutes later I was being wheeled into the O.R. don't remember falling asleep and then I woke up and was done. It was done.

Still to this day I often think about the reasons I was given this experience. I think about the baby that could have been born April 17th, 2010...I think about what my life would be like with three little blessings...I think about how I would have handled my school work/load...I think about a lot, and what I've come to realize is that everything happens for a reason. Whether I know the reason or not, it was suppose to happen and I have accepted it. I am suppose to concentrate on my two beautiful boys that I have, the husband that I adore and ME. School is such an important part of my life and I have an even better reason to continue to strive at reaching my goals. I appreciate life much more than before and for that I am thankful for this experience.